Why We Can't Find Extraterrestrials

I am going to begin this by making an assumption of you. I assume you have a job, go to school, attend religious services, go out bar hopping, go to the grocery store, attend parole hearings or some other thing that drags you away from your computer and your easy chair. When you do go out into the world to do whatever it is you do (and I know what you do, I'm not as naive as you may think) you do not get in your car and drive there only to turn around and come right back, do you? Wherever it is you're going, you stay there for a while. If you work an eight hour day, you're probably at work the full eight hours (maybe working, maybe not, depending on if anyone is paying attention, right?). My point in this is, when people are looking for aliens from outer space, they're generally looking skyward. If aliens were coming to this planet, would they just bounce back and forth between earth and Xyxxllyiann 55? Probably not. No one goes to Hawaii just to hop another plane back home. They hang around a while! Well, I suppose the extraterrestrials would do the same thing.

The best place to find alien life is in science fiction movies. Granted an estimated 87.9% of all science fiction movies are completely made up, but I think science fiction writers have a pretty good idea of what the aliens would be like that would be coming to earth; and there is one thing they all have in common. Some are scaly, some are furry, some are tall, some are squat. Some have big eyes, some have no eyes. But, one thing they all have in common is they are all smart enough to get from there to here. And since the aliens are all smart, why would they come flying in on space ships that look like giant smoke detectors with Christmas lights all over them? If I were an alien and wanted to come to earth to observe, I'd come flying in on something that looks like a commercial jet. I am sure that is exactly what they've done: come in on a jet. What evidence do I have? If they came in on a spaceship, they would draw a lot of attention and have to announce why they are here, just before being dissected by top notch Army surgeons. This has not happened. So, they must have come in secret.

For the record, I don't buy the "government cover-up" theories. If our elected officials were bright enough to cover anything up, they'd cover up the deficit and the unemployment rates and tell us everything is peachy keen. But, they are incapable of covering even their own created messes. How could they possibly be successful in covering up a visit by aliens? Take a look at some of the presidents we've had. Jimmy Carter was not able to cover up his embarrassing family, Ronald Reagan did not cover up his embarrassing film career and George W. Bush did not cover up the fact that he couldn't speak English. Do you really think these guys could hide aliens?

No, the aliens have hidden themselves. Now I am not going to make you suspicious of your next door neighbor or your kid's teacher by saying they're hiding amoung us. They're too clever for that. I know where they are - and I may be about to make you suspicious of your pet.

When I was growing up, I was well aware of many breeds of dogs: beagles, poodles, dalmations, bull dogs, alpacas, dungerees, welterweights and so on. I never once ever heard of a dog called a Shih-Tzu.

I mean, look at those things! They prance around with their hair all done up in ribbons. No real dog would act like that. Dogs are dirty things. They roll in mud, chase squirrels, run through sticker bushes and many other grimy activities. Real dogs do not prance around with bee-hive hairdos that make them look like one of the female singers from the B-52's. Real dogs would also not call themselves something that sounds like a curse word uttered at the point of sneezing like the Shih-Tzu does.

I have a Shih-Tzu at home and I have been studying him carefully. He does things that no normal creature created for this planet would do. For one, when I call the dogs to go to bed, the other two come bounding along all hops and smiles and slobber, not only obedient but giddy about it. Teddy will just sit on the couch and stare. When that doesn't work and I continue to call him, he will close his eyes and turn his head away. Normal earth creatures understand that closing eyes and turning heads will not make someone disappear! This is alien reasoning afoot! And this does not mean that the Shih Tzu is dumb, it just means on their home planet they can vaporize idiots that yell orders to them by mere thought. Teddy doesn't get it yet that his powers are useless on me as earth idiots are not the same as the idiots from his home planet.

The other two dogs will bounce around and yip with glee when we throw balls, sticks, toys, bills we don't feel like paying, grenades or some other thing to them. They will run and retrieve the thing complete with a thick coating of drool (and they get a reward for doing this to the bills we don't feel like paying). Teddy will do one of two things if you throw something for it. He will either watch the thing fly across the room and then look at you like you've lost your mind or he will run and bark at the other dogs while they are trying to get the thing, often times trying to stop them. This is not normal dog behavior! I have heard of dogs fetching slippers, newspapers, pipes and other cartoon items for their cartoon masters. I have yet to hear of a real dog fetching another dog.

So, what is the purpose of their visit? Well, from my observations, Teddy is only good at a few things: he sleeps, he eats, he poops and pees. All of this is normal for dogs. But, he is also extremely good at getting into snack food and junk food. If there is a bag of chips or a half-eaten hamburger anywhere in the house, Teddy will find a way to get to it and he will eat it. We cannot hide anything from him. Teddy doesn't know how to get on the bed by himself (despite the little set of stairs my wife bought him) but if you have a handful or Pringles sealed in a sandwich bag, locked in a safe and dropped to the bottom of the ocean, Teddy will find a way to get to it. I believe, then, that the Shih Tzus are here to do research on how the human race is able to survive on the garbage we consume.