The Worst Song of All Time

Where would society be without music? We would be clueless, that's where. Think about it. When you go see a scary film, how would you know when to scream if the music didn't rise to a thunder when the killer jumps on someone? What would be the point of putting money in a juke box if no sound were to come out? How would we understand the premise of a sit com without a chirpy theme song at the beginning to explain it? And wouldn't you feel foolish standing up before a ball game, putting your hand over your heart without a National Anthem to listen to?

I honestly believe the human race would come to a screeching halt if there were no music. After all, music is what gets kids interested and thinking about sex, right? No one would ever think about making love to anyone else if they first didn't hear someone singing about it on the radio. Why do you think there are so many songs about sex? We have to keep making more people or the human race will end and we'll have to leave the planet to the dolphins.

However, with the good comes the bad. In the course of human history exactly 31,298,618,001,926 songs have been written down and that is a fact. You know it is a fact because you just read it on the Internet. And here is another fact: exactly 54.3% of those songs are at least considered good songs. That means 45.7% of all songs are bad songs. And out of those 14,303,468,426,880.182 songs one just has to be the worst song of all time; just as out of the nearly seven billion people on Planet Earth, Jerry Robison of 540 Blanchard St. Buena Vista California is the worst person that ever lived.

Now, everyone probably has their least favorite song. I'm sure many of us cringe when we hear the opening strains of "MacArthur Park", that drippy inane song done back in the 60s by Richard Harris. If you have never heard it, it is worth one listen and only one listen. You just need to hear just how melodramatic a human being can get over cake being rained upon. Some people cannot stomach "Yummy Yummy Yummy", while "Sugar Sugar" gives some a toothache in the ear. Some feel they have died a slow painful death when they hear "Tell Laura I Love Her" - or maybe that's "Leader of the Pack" or maybe it's "Teen Angel". Personally, I will die a sadder man if I ever have to hear "Rockin' Robin", "Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini", "My Humps", "Rich Girl" or "Disco Duck" again.

Some people have entire genres they hate. Some hate disco, some hate opera, some hate bluegrass. I can't stand White Gospel myself. And I say this as a Christian - this music should be banned. This stuff is the milky-whitest music ever produced, often only slightly faster than the gloomiest of funeral dirges, often only accompanied by a bounceless piano, sung by a lot of middle-aged white guys with less soul than a cadaver. This music drives more people away from Christianity than any Fred Phelps protest rally, and that is the truth. You know it is because you read it on the Internet.

Are you ready, yet, to know what is the worst song of all time? It is "Happy Birthday To You". There is no debate on this. There is no arguing. It is a fact that "Happy Birthday To You" is the worst song of all time.

If you have any doubt what-so-ever, listen the next time it is being sung. Does anyone ever sound cheerful while singing this? Does anyone even sound remotely happy to be singing it? How can they possibly be wishing someone a happy birthday while sounding like a deflating zombie? And the people being sung to - do they ever truly look happy? Usually they look miserable, embarrassed or annoyed. Thus, there is nothing happy at all about the song. If you truly want someone to have a happy birthday, why impose a song on them that makes no one happy. Never in all of recorded history has anyone ever said, "my birthday wasn't complete until they sang 'Happy Birthday To You' to me. Now it is truly a happy day."

So, the next time the urge strikes you to sing "Happy Birthday To You" to someone, ask if the song would really make their birthday any better. Better yet, ask if they would rather have you sing "Happy Birthday To You" to them or dump banana slugs into their underwear. Have a good supply of banana slugs on hand when you ask.